As a post-anesthesia care unit nurse working in Regions Hospital’s surgery recovery area, Nicole Wojowski gets her fair share of questions daily. Sometimes, those questions can include “so, where are you from?” And, like most, Nicole has a stock answer that she offers up in her Minnesotan accent: “I’m from around here. I’m from the Twin Cities. Actually, my grandfather was a dairy farmer here in Dakota County.”
But all too often, a follow-up question can cut deep: “where are you really from?” As an international Korean adoptee, it’s a question that recalls the trauma that many like Nicole feel their entire lives. The Twin Cities is home to a large community of international and domestic adoptees, each with their own unique stories, histories and journeys. However, broad assumptions and stereotypes can deeply affect each adoptee, no matter their age or degree of connection to their adopted and birth families.
In this episode of Off the Charts, Nicole discusses her own experiences as an adoptee and how they live within the wide spectrum of a larger community. She also talks about the connections between trauma and adoption, and how they can deeply affect an adoptee’s sense of home and culture. Together with fellow international Korean adoptee Dr. Kari Haley and Dr. Steven Jackson, Nicole also describes how she built her support group of friends and found family – one that’s part of a larger local adoptee community. Listen to the episode or read the transcript.
Why certain questions can be seen as microaggressions
For Nicole, being an international adoptee has its advantages, like being able to easily connect with a wide variety of patients and to quickly build trust. But it can also be frustrating for the microaggressions that can result. Questions about where she’s from, while likely not meant to harm, can end up doing just that.
As Dr. Haley reflects, people who aren’t adopted don’t necessarily think about how this question can be seen as a microaggression. “Because, for a lot of adoptees, home is various definitions. But for some adoptees, home is truly where they grew up with their adoptive parents. So when they hear those types of words, it can feel really bad – way more than people probably even realize. Because, a lot of times, I think people aren’t necessarily asking it in a malicious way. But it can really come off as being very damaging [and] very personal for the adoptee.”
When faced with follow-up questions about where she’s from, Nicole responds with honesty about how awkward and inappropriate they are, especially since the answers have little to do with her ability to provide care. But she also tries to determine the intent of the speaker.
A great example is her own father, someone who means well but can come across as awkward. He has a tendency to ask the same types of questions. But after a little direction, he adds information that provides more context as to why he’s asking – because his daughter was adopted from Korea and he’s wondering if they are as well. By sharing that the questions are less about highlighting differences and more about adoption and things shared in common, people are more understanding and willing to share. But in the end, the impact of the question matters more than the intent. There are well-intended people that may ask the question, however once the answer is given (or not given), it’s not meant as permission to ask further.
Adoption and trauma
During the podcast, Nicole talks about how she, like many international adoptees, believes that adoption starts with loss and trauma. While Nicole herself had one-on-one contact in a foster home as a baby and was quickly placed in her adoptive home in Minnesota, the trauma of having an out-of-contact birth mother still has a significant effect.
It’s something that Nicole feels that many people who aren’t adoptees really aren’t aware of, which can lead to hurtful questions and assumptions. Primarily the narrative that once a child is adopted, a family is complete, fulfilled and happy. But the adoption of a child is only the first step. As Nicole says on the podcast, if “happily ever after” happens as a result, that’s great. “However if it doesn’t, all families have problems in their own ways, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. That doesn’t mean the family’s broken, that doesn’t mean the child is broken. Families still need work, regardless of if they’re biological, step or adoptive.”
Nicole thinks that acknowledging that adoption results from some form of trauma, and that it’s not always a happy or entirely happy experience, “would help shift the focus away from the parents and their satisfaction with the [event], and focus more on the well-being of the child or the young adult.”
It’s also important to remember that there is no universal adoptee experience. Each adoption journey is unique and adoptees can take different paths. To what degree an adoptee embraces their home culture, how they express affection or how they feel about a search and reunion with their birth family, makes each story the adoptees’ own. And those stories don’t necessarily apply to everyone else’s experience.
As Dr. Haley says, “those well-meaning things can sometimes cause more discomfort or pain for somebody, when obviously people don’t necessarily intend to do that.” And for those that don’t have the same happy story, “just know that it’s okay if that’s not your story. It’s okay if it’s not even something you want.”
Finding a welcoming community
Fortunately, Nicole has found amazing support through her chosen family. Many of her friends, as well as her husband, are also international adoptees in the Twin Cities area. As a young adult in the early 2000s, Nicole met many through social media. “It’s finding other people that you don’t have to explain yourself, that you can just let your guard down with and say, ‘Hey, today really was terrible.’ And they just get it. Or you can say, ‘I had a really hard time, Let’s talk about something happy. Let’s watch cat videos, let’s talk about food, let’s do something else that we can all relate to.”
For adoptees that don’t have a good support system, Nicole recommends reaching out online where you can find many resources in the Twin Cities and throughout the United States. “To an adoptee out there who, if they’re unsure of themselves, or unsure where to start, or if they want to start, I just want to say, you are not alone. There are people here – you are not the first or the last – and we are here to support you. You are enough, and whatever you choose that’s okay … there’s no wrong choice in your story, as far as if you choose to pursue things, you want to embrace whatever cultures, that’s okay. And you should feel confident that you’re doing what’s good for you.”
To hear more from Nicole, including her own personal journey and the history behind Minnesota and Wisconsin’s large Korean adoptee community, listen to this episode of Off the Charts.
